From injured to beyond angry

I skipped my swim today.

I was so mad, so angry about not being able to run that swimming — my “substitute” to running — just felt like a slap in the face.

When a family member suggests that you “not run any more marathons” in the future, how are you supposed to receive that? I’m injured. I have a stress fracture that is healing at a snail’s pace. Sure, I think about running all the time but I am in no manner thinking about when my next marathon will be. And, of course I have had flickering thoughts about whether or not I will even decide to run a marathon again.

I know I’m not the only injured runner in the world. I know there are people who have experienced far worse set-backs in their life.

But, in my little world, it’s all a big deal.

I have a second opinion scheduled for next month — the soonest I could be seen, of course — and this appointment is now my one glimmer of hope.

I still do have hope somewhere deep inside.

(Even if I feel broken, frustrated and beyond angry).

One year of being injured – and counting

I had my last injury-free run the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend of last year. Granted, I didn’t find out I had a stress fracture until three months later, I still have been injured for now a year.

I had scheduled an appointment with my ortho back in January/February for June 1 as a precaution. After all, he told me that he expected me to be pain-free and starting to run again come May/June. He added that if I was still experiencing knee pain, to come see him again in June.

Well, it’s June. And, I am still experiencing off and on knee pain.

What’s the verdict?

Still, it is to wait and see — a bit more. He was surprised I haven’t healed. He checked both of my MRIs again— the first from August and the second from the beginning of the year — and told me again that the fracture is just taking longer to heal than we expected. He said mid-July would be the furthest out it would take for the injury to heal so he wants to wait until then to do another MRI.

What if I continue to have pain after July though? What if the third MRI still shows that I still have a bit more healing left to go?

I feel like I am going through the longest marathon ever where every time I reach a mile mark, the finish line gets pushed further and further away from me. I keep thinking I will see that finish line banner off in the distance with each passing month of not running, but now I just don’t know.

I don’t know what to do. I mean, the doctor says to keep exercising so we can tell if my knee is healing. (Right now I still have off and on pain during and after exercise so the hope would be in the next month-and-a-half, that will go away completely).

Do I get a second opinion? I feel like a new doctor to me would just tell me to get another MRI as well.

I feel defeated because unlike running, where I am in control of everything, I currently have no control.

I can’t control time. I can’t control how much longer my fracture will take to heal. I can’t control my weight gain or that so many of my dresses are so tight or do not even fit me. I can’t control how sad it makes me feel that I haven’t had a healthy run in one year and that I haven’t been running at all in TEN WHOLE MONTHS.

Think about that one thing that brings you joy, that keeps you sane. Think about how you would feel if you could not do that.

It’s a frustrating, lonely, confusing place to be.

A runner who isn’t running

It’s been 11 months since my last injury-free run.

It’s been nine months since my last run.

As each day passes, I feel less and less like a runner. I try not to think about running or not running since it just puts me in a bad/sad mood.

But, it has been nice when others make comments to me, treating me like the runner they knew before I got my stress fracture.

One friend who is currently training for an IRONMAN, recently messaged me on Facebook asking for running advice. She asked me for any nearby hilly running route recommendations because she needs to do more hill training in preparation for her race.

I was touched that she reached out to me and responded with a few of my go-to routes. (Yes, Discovery Park, you obviously made the list!)

And then I was chatting with a colleague who used to work on my team and she asked me if I was running again yet. When I told her that I wasn’t and that I have still been experiencing off-and-on knee pain, her response was something along the lines of, “Wow, that must be really hard for you. After all, several of us on the team ran but you were the only real runner among us.”

I was beaming on the inside that she called me a real runner.

We’ve been having a few sun breaks in Seattle in the midst of all the dumping-rain spells. I do still gauge the temperature based on whether it would be running-shorts-weather or not.

So, some runner instincts still cannot be erased.

 

Injured runner: The best workout of my year

There are a lot of things I miss about running.

Alone time. Being able to take myself on my own two feet home for five miles after work rather than drive or take a (delayed again!) bus. Spending time with friends. The sound my feet make as they hit the pavement. The freeing feeling. The stillness when on the trails. Not being afraid of the rain.

The endorphins.

I can’t say I received that same runner’s high at my friend’s spin class on Sunday, but I sure had the best workout of the year (so far!)

I’ve been very good about going to the gym at least six days a week, if not daily. I alternate between spinning on the stationary bike and using the elliptical. I try to push myself to a good pace where I’m sweating. But, in all honestly, most times I don’t feel that tired after my workout. I do add on strength and core exercises after time on the cardio machines and always feel like doing multiple forms of plank is way more tiring than an hour on the elliptical!

What I’m trying to say is that the spin class was a nice change of pace. It really had me pushing myself. And, even though I couldn’t do everything that everyone else in the class was doing — like standing while on the bike while doing our “hill repeats” — I felt a sense of real exercise accomplishment at the end of the class.

I even felt like taking a nap in the afternoon, which felt akin to wanting to nap after a nice long run during my marathon training days.

It was good to have that familiar tired feeling again.

Status: Did Not Start

DNS.

Is it ironic that my second DNS (did-not-start) race was a 10K? (A 10K that was the same course even though a different race!)

I decided not to walk the Tenacious Ten 10K on Saturday. I decided not to volunteer at the race and cheer on my friends and teammates.

For me, being around runners who are pushing their limits, setting PRs and finishing races with smiles on their faces isn’t the sound of a fun morning for me in my current state.

I do support them. I just choose to do so from afar and through social media.

Because, I’ve been having a lot of ups and downs in terms of “being OK” being injured.

Instead of doing anything related to the race, I went with Phyllis to a journal meet-up at a coffee shop with other like-minded crafty people. Phyllis encouraged me to buy a Traveler’s notebook last fall and I have been using it as another hobby since I can’t currently run. She’s tried to convince me to go to these journal meet-ups with her in the past but I always (kindly) declined. This time I went though.

unnamed

It was fun seeing how other people use their journals and the different supplies — and washi tapes! — they own. It makes me want to focus more on getting the pages of my journal to be more aesthetically pleasing rather than focus on my bum knee.

My running budget (new kicks, clothes and race entries) may quickly all go towards purchasing expensive crafting materials.

We’ll see.

“To race” or not “to race”

When being overly optimistic fails you.

I signed up for this 10K six months ahead of race day. At the time, I was two months into a recovery of “somewhere between six weeks and six months” and figured that if anything, I would be able to walk-jog the course.

Not the case, at all.

I’m definitely nowhere near walk-jogging seeing that I still have knee pain every once in a while from doing whatever random task it may be (standing, sitting, walking or during exercise …)

The race is this weekend.

I’m not even upset about the wasted race entry money. About a month ago I came to terms that I would just walk the race since the 10K is open to both runners and walkers.

But, now I am reconsidering.

There will be a lot of friends and teammates and people I know at this race. I don’t really want to be walking 6 miles while designated “cheer stations” have to encourage me and keep me in high spirits. I really don’t want to have to tell my injury story again to folks I haven’t seen in a while.

Being injured makes you feel like the black sheep.

Am I being childish? Should I just get over it?

Talk to me when you’ve been a lifelong runner who has been sidelined from running for eight months and injured for almost a year.

Instead of “racing” the race, I’m considering volunteering at the race since I saw an email from the race director seeking additional volunteers. Or, maybe I’ll go to the March for Science. Or, a journal meet-up that a friend has invited me to. Or, maybe I’ll just keep my distance from people all together and enjoy a walk on my on time for Earth Day.

There’s a lot of possibilities and options for my Saturday morning plans.

Running is not one of them.

Injured runner: What’s next?

OK OK, so I’ve been really bad at blogging while injured. But, let’s be real. Who wants to read about a runner who whines about not being able to run? I guess my fellow injured runners?

I haven’t been feeling well the past few days — caught a darn head cold — so I don’t really want to delve too much into things right now since I don’t think I can concentrate for much longer but here are a few notable things:

  • I spent more days in February at the gym than not at the gym.
  • I’m having a hard time swimming (more on this in detail later).
  • I’m having a hard time with my weight (more on this later).

As I type this my knee is hurting … which is frustrating since I haven’t exercised in four days (due to the cold!) **insert crying emoji**

For now, I’m going to focus on recovering from this cold. Then, I’ll get back to all those IOU blog posts I mentioned above.

Let’s hope March blogging is more frequent than January and February combined!