The I-didn’t-do-anything / I-did-a-lot summer

I’m still in denial that it’s September. (Even though September is about to be over).

I want to grasp on to summer for as long as possible because I feel like I “didn’t do anything.” I didn’t get outdoors as much as I would have liked. I didn’t go on a single camping/backpacking trip. I haven’t gotten back into running from my +1 year-long injury.

Sigh … where did summer go? What have I been doing? Because, the thing is, I feel like I was busy all summer despite not feeling like I did everything I wanted to do.

When I really think long and hard about it though. I had a pretty darn good summer.

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I experienced my first total solar eclipse. Yep, my family and I drove down to Salem from Seattle and was in the line of totality. I won’t gush on and on about it but it truly was unlike anything I had ever witnessed before. And, there is a huge difference between seeing a total solar eclipse and even a 90-something percent eclipse. If you ever have a chance to see totality, do it. Trust me. (OK, done preaching).

We celebrated my dad’s retirement! Couldn’t be more proud of his dedication and work with the Boeing Company. He spent his entire career there!

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We celebrated many friends’ new marriages.

I snuck in six hikes in a row in the last six weeks! (Yes, seven weeks ago I had an “Oh no! I-haven’t-gone-on-a-single-hike-freak-out-moment.”)

I fully participated in Ragnar Trail Rainier (even if that meant not fully running it).

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Saw the Yayoi Kusama Infinity Mirrors exhibit (!!!)

Oh, and Jury Duty. That was a new experience in itself.

Summer is officially over on Friday and I’m sad to say good-bye but at the same time, I feel like I had a very complete and fulfilling summer.

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Injured runner: The thing about PT

I don’t know if PT is going well or badly or if it’s just flat-out doing nothing.

I go weekly to my PT appointments. I do my PT exercises regularly at home. Yet, my knee pain still off and on/comes and goes. What’s your deal, knee??

What I do know is that every time I am at PT, I am literally the sweatiest person there. The other people there don’t look like they are even breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, I am dripping!

For the past few weeks, my PT has had me doing these hip/leg lifts using one of those big balls. I have to lie on my back and have the ball at my feet. Doing 2-3 reps of 15 has even my face sweating. Yes, my face!

Why am I so bad at PT?

My physical therapist and I agreed to give PT a few more weeks and if I wasn’t seeing significant improvements to my knee, I’d go back to the doctor and see what he says.

I really hope I start to see progress.

This is 30

All names in this post are changed to protect the old and innocent.

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She felt bad that she kept having to leave me alone at the table. First it was to go get water. And then it was to go order ice cream.

No, she wasn’t extremely hungry or thirsty. She was trying to subdue her tastebuds that were on fire at the moment.

Samantha and I met up for dinner at a place that has take-out chicken sandwiches. She assured me that the tofu sandwiches (for this vegetarian) were also delicious. You can choose the level of spiciness of your sandwich and I ordered mine “medium” while Sam decided to go for “hot.” She said she ate there before and ordered medium but that she felt like it wasn’t spicy enough.

Well, folks, we’ve learned that there is a big difference between “medium” and “hot” at this place. While I was scarfing down my sandwich, she could barely eat hers.

“Kristin, what’s wrong with me? I’m in pain!” she said.

It’s one of those scenes that you want to be laughing at, but it actually didn’t come across as funny to me. I felt bad because there was nothing I could do to help her. (And she clearly was not in the position to be laughing).

“Do you want some of my sandwich?” I offered.

Sam said it was too late. Her mouth was already burning. She went back for more water at the self-serve station and left a little later again to order vanilla ice cream in hopes that the cold cream would off-set the burning sensation in her mouth.

“Is this what it’s like to get old?” she said while half laughing. Or, was it I who said that to try to lighten her mood?

Either way, maybe this is what getting old is like. Most of my friends and I are now 30, or about to approach 30.

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I have one friend, Brandy, who just got back surgery last week. Yes, back surgery! And, just like me she is only 30 years old! And, I have another friend, Maggie, who is about to get a colonoscopy because she has been having unresolved gastrointestinal problems.

Maybe this is the 30 that no one talks or writes (or posts on social media) about.

Except that I have been constantly writing and reminding you all about my year-long running injury!

We hear stories or see Facebook posts about Judy from high school’s new baby boy, or Agatha and her husband’s new million-dollar house or Angie’s elaborate wedding in the Bahamas.

We don’t hear the stories about the surgeries, doctor visits or that time your friend Sam could barely eat her dinner because she ordered it too spicy.

So, let’s be real. (I guess) this is 30.

30th Birthday

For the past 11 birthdays, I have had mixed emotions.

I’ve always felt a little sad, a little guilty.

Some people don’t like their birthday because they don’t like the attention, or the fact that they are aging.

For the past 11 years, I haven’t liked it because it means I am getting “further away” from Natalie.

I spent my 30th birthday earlier this month busy at work and then flying on an airplane with my BFF to Disneyland. I didn’t let myself stop and think about my sad association with birthdays for fear that I would get sad at the happiest place on earth.

But, today, I do.

Today is Natalie’s birthday. She would have turned 30 years old. But, I instead only have memories of a near-19-year-old. (Yes, she was only 18 when she passed away).

Sometimes I wish I even had videos of those memories. Because, as time passes, memories can change and even fade. I don’t want them to though.

I want to hold on to them for as long as possible.

Happy birthday, Natalia.

One year of being injured – and counting

I had my last injury-free run the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend of last year. Granted, I didn’t find out I had a stress fracture until three months later, I still have been injured for now a year.

I had scheduled an appointment with my ortho back in January/February for June 1 as a precaution. After all, he told me that he expected me to be pain-free and starting to run again come May/June. He added that if I was still experiencing knee pain, to come see him again in June.

Well, it’s June. And, I am still experiencing off and on knee pain.

What’s the verdict?

Still, it is to wait and see — a bit more. He was surprised I haven’t healed. He checked both of my MRIs again— the first from August and the second from the beginning of the year — and told me again that the fracture is just taking longer to heal than we expected. He said mid-July would be the furthest out it would take for the injury to heal so he wants to wait until then to do another MRI.

What if I continue to have pain after July though? What if the third MRI still shows that I still have a bit more healing left to go?

I feel like I am going through the longest marathon ever where every time I reach a mile mark, the finish line gets pushed further and further away from me. I keep thinking I will see that finish line banner off in the distance with each passing month of not running, but now I just don’t know.

I don’t know what to do. I mean, the doctor says to keep exercising so we can tell if my knee is healing. (Right now I still have off and on pain during and after exercise so the hope would be in the next month-and-a-half, that will go away completely).

Do I get a second opinion? I feel like a new doctor to me would just tell me to get another MRI as well.

I feel defeated because unlike running, where I am in control of everything, I currently have no control.

I can’t control time. I can’t control how much longer my fracture will take to heal. I can’t control my weight gain or that so many of my dresses are so tight or do not even fit me. I can’t control how sad it makes me feel that I haven’t had a healthy run in one year and that I haven’t been running at all in TEN WHOLE MONTHS.

Think about that one thing that brings you joy, that keeps you sane. Think about how you would feel if you could not do that.

It’s a frustrating, lonely, confusing place to be.