For the past 11 birthdays, I have had mixed emotions.
I’ve always felt a little sad, a little guilty.
Some people don’t like their birthday because they don’t like the attention, or the fact that they are aging.
For the past 11 years, I haven’t liked it because it means I am getting “further away” from Natalie.
I spent my 30th birthday earlier this month busy at work and then flying on an airplane with my BFF to Disneyland. I didn’t let myself stop and think about my sad association with birthdays for fear that I would get sad at the happiest place on earth.
But, today, I do.
Today is Natalie’s birthday. She would have turned 30 years old. But, I instead only have memories of a near-19-year-old. (Yes, she was only 18 when she passed away).
Sometimes I wish I even had videos of those memories. Because, as time passes, memories can change and even fade. I don’t want them to though.
I want to hold on to them for as long as possible.
Happy birthday, Natalia.