I wasn’t going to let it bother me.
For my job, I always have to write the date down on everything, everywhere. I knew what today was.
And, everything was fine.
In the late afternoon, Hannah — who just graduated from Stanford Law! — sent me a text that included “Also, happy natalie’s bday.” That actually made me feel better, knowing that my other friends share this same feeling with me. It didn’t make me want to cry or anything. I kept working.
Then, the drive home from work happened.
I had all the windows rolled down because the car got quite warm/stuffy while sitting in the parking lot all day long. I had the radio on and that song about being young and setting the world on fire came on — and I lost it. The tears came flooding. They were streaming down my face. I couldn’t make them stop. I turned off the radio. I rolled up all of my windows (and turned on the AC) and sobbed.
For a milli-split second I just wanted to go home, take a nap then go to sleep. Forget all the things I had to do tonight. Forget that I have an ultimate frisbee tournament — of which I am captaining — this weekend. Forget I’m supposed to move to my new house next week. Forget everything. For a milli-split second I just wanted to wallow. I just wanted to be sad.
And then the milli-split second passed.
Don’t get me wrong, I was still crying after this milli-split second. But, I felt better.
I think Natalie’s death will always have an effect on me. I thought “the sadness” would feel “less sad” as the years go by. Six years is a long time for someone to be away from you, especially if she is a good friend.
And, I realize that I may sound like a broken record always writing about her death, but you know, writing can be therapeutic sometimes. And, so can running. So, after this, I am going to go on a run. Then, I am going to take care of the things I need to do tonight. Then, I am going to go to the tourney and have so much fun.
Happy 25th Birthday, dear.